“Send the sunshine down my way whenever you call my name” James Taylor’s Blossom

I really don’t have the words to express my appreciation not only because I’m on heavy duty narcotics, but emotionally tears of joy fall so easily now each time I receive an amazing message whether Facebook, text, or voice. I have to laugh way back when Jim told me to sign up for Facebook to see what it was all about. My connections to childhood friends, high school friends, new friends, acquaintances, nurses, doctors, researchers, and family both near and far have provided me the best support group who motivate me in my darkest times to keep pushing. This virtual support group is something I highly recommend for each and every cancer patient.

These past days I was reminded of the NEGU video

Check it out here

My favorite teen motto song of mine in high school, James Taylor, Blossom. You see I was big on spreading sunshine even in high school!

I have to honestly say, I have had more melt downs these past few days.  Mostly due to severe pain and being behind the fast growing fluids. In the very back of my mind, I knew I could take control, but in the front of my mind clouded with pain I couldn’t find the answer and panicked. I called my doc more times over the weekend than I ever had since 2010. He came up with a plan. I had my boys with conflicting cheerleading messages which I only lashed out my frustration on them. All was resolved with a plan to control the pain on Friday night and go to the ER on Saturday.  So, 7lbs fluid was removed and I promised to not let things get this bad again. Luckily, for my Rockstar hubby saves the day by not listening to me and knows the pain just by seeing my eyes.  Things were in motion. I love Hoag irvine and for many personal  selfish reasons, I will NEVER have that procedure done at UCLA.

My days have been in bed, resting with pillows, and focusing on being comfortable. My doc tells me not to worry about food, but remain hydrated. I rest and find my sunshine in all your messages and listening to Alex’s piano and trumpet.  Plus a bunch of silly TV shows help put me to sleep. Today I went to UCLA Westwood. They fit me in even though they were full. There is something to be said for entire staff and nurses welcoming me like an old friend or family member. Several I saw had tears in their eyes. Of course, my emotions took over. I realized that to be comfortable, I had no wig, comfy clothes, grandma undies, no makeup, BUT earrings on and I was one of those patients. I still don’t feel bad for telling those to get off the pity pot, because I see how their physique is and they should be getting dressed for the closet -no PJs! I was that patient, grey faced, thinner, bloated belly. I looked at Jim and his eyes were watering. Since we are telepathic, we decided none of that. My doc walked in and said, “okay okay,okay (his version of Matthew McConaughey’s all right, alright alright but in a slight German accent) This meant deep breath and let’s do this. So unknown to me in my drugged state, we began with much premeds, targeted drug and chemo. A bit of a hammer, but sometimes you need the hammer.

Here is what I know:

I am so proud of my boys who handle each challenge and my outburst with positivity and support.

I am in unknown territory for cancer. There is no cure for this cancer and only treatments. This means that docs have no answers and no one does.

I continue to remain hopeful and determined, but this path is not easy. I must continue to surround myself with positive friends, family, and even strangers. Emotional vampires are not part of my medicine. Seeking sunshine in each day is what it is all about. Knowing today is the most important day and I may be more focused on moments, minutes or seconds, but I’m going to make them count. Find your sunshine!