The good, the bad, and the ugly: my weeks of hibernation and cancer job continues

Over the past 3 weeks, my body has been unstable with lack of immune system and now lack of red blood cells. My thoughts are foggy as I completed the 5 days of chemo. This will be followed by next week at UCLA.

My only way to sort my weekly thoughts is to categorize them. It may not make sense, but it is the best I can do now.

THE GOOD

  • The tumor marker going down: less cancer=less pain
  • Negu team: family, friends, acquaintances
  • The bakers who bake treats for nurses
  • 30 days until cruise
  • Visit from Katja and family
  • Hugs from Alex
  • Hugs from Jim
  • guardian angels at DJAMS
  • emails and calls from Alex’s teacher team at DJAMS
  • doctor team
  • hibernation allows for rest
  • I’m alive!
  • Living with cancer
  • the hope
  • music
  • living in Cali

THE BAD

  • White count going away=NO IMMUNE SYSTEM
  • Red cells being eaten=TIRED, LACK OF O2 IN THE BLOOD
  • Port clogged, needing “draino”
  • Jim being gone all week
  • Question of the week from Alex: Why is ovarian cancer not as “popular”? Answer: no one lives long enough to make it worthwhile for pharmaceutical companies, for someone to be a spokesperson, no famous person with ovarian, the excuse is that the battle is too challenging to find time to speak out
  • Learning to listen more, talk less
  • Tired of ongoing fight from all including me=life goes on, but my fight continues daily
  • unable to think beyond tomorrow
  • feeling alone
  • clinical trial delayed

THE UGLY

  • Tears
  • Nightmares
  • Alex hating cancer more than I do
  • hibernation equals loneliness and isolation
  • continued loss of cancer friends and acquaintances
  • the look of cancer: being beaten by symptoms of either chemo, cancer or both
  • annoyance and frustration brought about by living with cancer
  • the fear
  • the unknown
  • The puzzle: No answers or solutions

 

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