Not asking for much just a teeny tiny bit of positive news

Another call with one more doctor who is astonished by our unorthodox approach to my cancer. Of course, no new answers.No, plan B yet. This week I continued to get white cell boosting shots ending with what seems to be a cold? I secretly panic as the last time I was here in May I ended up with pneumonia. I say some prayers and wave my real magic wand around my belly. (yes, one of my funny friends left a magic wand on my door step!) What is  with the nose bleeds? Uh oh, did this evil twin sister combo eat my platelets along with my white cells? I have had enough shots and chicken broth to be officially named the mother hen of all chickens. It is out of my control just like the rest of this cancer job. What I do realize is that i have control in spreading our “unorthodox” approach to others and provide a glimmer of hope for someone else. I’ve stopped reading message boards as the news of the season seems to be more and more losing their battle. My fight continues and hopes that the tumor marker goes down and cancer goes away. I question my decisions of exiting my house with so much coughing and colds everywhere. Do I take antibiotics preventatively to save myself? I think the most frightening issue with the double evil sister chemo is that it eats the white cells and you have no way of knowing that you are a ticking time bomb. Now, if you really have zero sickness fighting cells you get a fever as a warning, but that puts you in the hospital. With the red cells and platelets, there are much more warning signs. Although, the only thing for platelets is a blood transfusion.  Last week, I was so surprised having minimal white cells when I had a break from chemo for one week. So,my secret goal is to get chemo without ending up in the hospital. I also am secretly wishing for a downward trend in the cancer growing cells. While we are on wishes, I also secretly hope all parents of teenage kids could keep reminding their kids what this season is about and what they should be thankful for AND just a simple message of kindness: treat others how you want to be treated. A little kindness goes a long way. This way I can avoid seeing the confusion and frustration from my son on a daily basis. His quote from yesterday was, “how can my friends take their anger out on me and how can they be so mean when they know my mom has cancer?” We remind him of the special few who don’t follow this pattern and whose parents I’ve known throughout elementary school. We also remind them of “this age of ME” and attempt to refocus him on some great friends who have been there for him.  Just because this age demands independence, doesn’t mean that you stop parenting and stop reminding kids to show a little kindness. Instead of asking what they want for the holiday season, ask them what they can do for others during this time. Enough of my messages of the day! I’m off to play the chemo roulette…will I or won’t I? Will the numbers be in my favor? Will we have a plan B? I will close my eyes and remember Alex playing Winter Wonderland on the piano with his own jazz twist.

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