Weekend conflicting feelings

Waiting for someone, anyone to come up with a solution, a plan, but no answers come. Trying desperately to live on the moment when thoughts seep into my mind of the “what ifs”. The deep internal calculator is coming up short. Fear creeps into my sleep and my waking thoughts and I realize nothing good can come of this. I have sent dozens of emails to my doc with most having no real answer, but it would be helpful if he just said, “working on this or we can talk Monday”. Instead, wheels keep spinning and I remind myself of how healthy I am compared to most,but also know that things can change rapidly. Knowing that all trials require a waiting period which means that my cancer will grow, my pain increase, my symptoms become too difficult to ignore in my daily tasks. I am so baffled that this process of survival is not easier. The questions of tomorrow keep haunting my daily tasks. I look at Alex and pray so hard that all will be okay. I think of Jim and worry so much. His heart is breaking every day that he spins his wheels more to come up short. What do others do? How to others cope? Do they find comfort in god or friends and family. I talk to my mom more often just now to hear her voice, but knowing she can say nothing to comfort me or to reassure me. With so many cheerleaders on my side, friends and family asking and asking, how can we come up short? How can I plan my tomorrow when I may be living across the country alone on some trial without the daily motivation of my family. Of course, there is Skype, but would this idea be a good decision. So many ideas for phase 1 trials, but each require one thing or another and all require time. I need answers fast. I must push all these thoughts buried and focus on this next chemo combo working for more than a month. I am secretly hoping and praying for 6 months. I must go to UCLA to be the constant reminder to my doc to push myself to the front of the list. I have to stay here. I am grateful for a wonderful son and husband. I am grateful for a wonderful mom, dad, sister and family. I am grateful for my friends. I am grateful to have minimal symptoms from my cancer that doesn’t prevent me from exiting my house. I am grateful for living in aliso so close to the beach. I am grateful for the nurses who care for me. I am grateful to be able to walk and hike around, smell the ocean air. I am grateful to visit with friends when I have free moments. I am grateful to watch Alex grow into a young man and see how smart he is every day. I am grateful to hear all his amazing ideas for his future businesses or inventions. I am grateful to hear his stories about his friends and his daily life as frustrating as he may find tweendom. I am grateful to hear him improvise with his trumpet and see his body sway to the music. I am grateful to hear him play his favorite jazz and blues tunes swaying his head back and forth. I am grateful to see his focus on all things big and small. I am grateful to hear about his tutoring of special Ed students and math students while he explains his creative football or food analogies to help with understanding. I am grAteful that so much comes easy for him and love to see his mind at work. I am grateful that each birthday and each Hanukkah, he asks first for a cure or treatment for my cancer. I am grateful to watch him play with his toys and games. I am grateful for watching Jim and his silliness always making me laugh. I am grateful to enjoy a cup a coffee every day. I am grateful to look out my kitchen window and see the sunrise. I am grateful to see the holiday lights once again. I am grateful to enjoy a hot chocolate in the cold night.

2 Responses to “Weekend conflicting feelings”

  1. Julie Friedman Says:

    Joanie- I am so thankful you are in my life…It’s 6pm on Friday..normally I’d be at Kabbalat Shabbat services you are always in my “misheberach” prayers…well the truth is I wish it were normally but more often than not I get caught up at work. You see I’m still doing what I have been doing for more than 20 years now which is trying to do my part to give people options, hope. So you see I don’t mind the late nights, the only thing I ever mind is when one of the programs I am working on fails to deliver on it’s potential to provide a treatment option for someone who needs it. So again I am thankful you are in my life, always have been from the time we were little girls playing in our bedrooms, teenagers catching up at NFTY events or adults reconnecting after many years apart. You bring, light, life, drive and hope to my life. My prayer is that I can do so also for you and others – Love Julie

  2. Valerie Says:

    I am thankful to know you and to read your blog. It always inspires me and I think about you every day. All of the inspiring messages you have given in you blog have forever made an impression on my own life. I can’t imagine how difficult and scary things are right now. I pray that a treatment comes your way that will keep the cancer at bay longer. My heart goes out to you, Jim and Alex. xoxo

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