“Hope?” he says. “There is always hope, John. New developments have yet to present themselves. Not all the information is in. No. Don’t give up hope just yet. It’s the last thing to go. When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.”

I was never a fan of roller coasters. These days I find myself just getting on this cancer roller coaster again and again without much thought.  I am off today for a PET/CT scan since my tumor marker is not cooperating and at record levels. I have done my analysis paralysis and have come to zero conclusions or answers. Do I appear yellow? Am I more bloated? Do I look worse than in 2010? What organs do metastases grow with zero symptoms? I keep asking the questions and finding that I must wait until the scan is done. My doc thinks it is “cancer gone wild” (my words, not his), so this is the reason for the STAT scan. Whatever it is, it is…

We enjoyed our Waikiki vacation and chemo in paradise is something quite different from chemo at UCLA. The nurses are more compassionate than ever about their patients and definitely work at a different pace. For the first time, I was honored to have both Alex and Jim at my chemo. Alex really liked watching sports on the movable TV and did put the food channel on for 10 minutes for me. We had beach days and even a hiking day. We ate many many meals out, so no cooking for me. We were all glad to have a mini break from the cancer job until the word came about my tumor marker. Nothing like a dose of reality to slap you in the face. Sleeping is overrated.

I don’t know if you are a fan of roller coasters and I feel guilty for asking you to ride along with me. With 3 years since my surgery cancerversary approaching, I just imagined I wouldn’t be in this place so soon and facing these unanswered questions again. I did read The Fault in Our Stars while I was in Waikiki and it is such a well written fictional story of teens with cancer. There were so many good lines which really captured the truth about cancer. Leave it to a fictional teen, to tell it like it is. I know you are probably wondering why I read the book and I don’t have an answer. Something about the story just drew me in and I couldn’t stop reading.

After my scan today is chemo again on Weds…one day at a time or now one hour at a time. There is always HOPE!

P.s. the quote above is from Alex’s reading of I am Four.

 

 

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2 Responses to ““Hope?” he says. “There is always hope, John. New developments have yet to present themselves. Not all the information is in. No. Don’t give up hope just yet. It’s the last thing to go. When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.””

  1. melinda Says:

    Hi Joanie!
    It’s Melinda! I just read a few entries on your blog and I am in awe of your strength and sense of humor through this journey. I think of you often and wonder how you’re doing. I miss your smiling face at Canyon Vista! Please know you have one more person cheering you on! Keep on keepin on Joanie!!

    Lotsa Love, Melinda Gorsline

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