Dear Cancer,

Dear Cancer,

You have really tried to make me crazy these past 3 weeks. Despite my recent hair loss, painful and itchy scalp, inability to walk or close my hands, I refuse to let you win. You keep trying to push the limits of my tolerance of pain and my hope, but I won’t let you win. My hands and feet are now peeling and you keep growing despite the strength of the drug and it’s side effects. You have forever changed my life, my family’s life, and the life of  anyone who knows me. You have caused too many tears especially for my son. You have kept my son awake at night and my husband too. You keep trying to beat me and destroy every ounce of strength I have left, but I cannot let you win. So, this week when you decided to grow again and not respond to this drug, I decided to be a guinea pig. My doctor thinks it is worth a try, so I will try. I changed my mind about this guinea pig experiment. This is what happens when you decide to limit my options by just growing and not shrinking. I can change my mind and I will.  I cannot let you win. Tomorrow, I will begin this guinea pig process at UCLA and I will see if there is anything better at Cedar’s.  You thought you broke me when I couldn’t walk, but I walked anyway despite the pain. You don’t know me and my strength. You don’t know what a great support team I have. So, you thought you were winning when you had me home bound, but you forgot that I have been doing this for 3 years.  You thought you were winning when the doctor I saw said that I have permission to break down with your bad news of your growth. I didn’t break down because I don’t have time for that. All my time and effort will be used to fight you. You thought you were winning when you made Alex in his dreams see me collapse at our favorite beach and leave him alone crying buckets of tears. You forgot that we may visit this nightmare island, but we don’t stay in it. We live for today and make the most of our days. I will do what I have to do, Cancer-never forget it because I won’t.

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5 Responses to “Dear Cancer,”

  1. terry fierle Says:

    You inspire me and give me strength. Fight on Joannie.

    Love u,

    Terry

  2. Pendar Says:

    GO AWAY CANCER!!!! We are all praying for you Joanie…
    Love, Pendar

  3. Valerie Says:

    NEGU!!

  4. Tara Says:

    We’re pulling for you, Joanie. You can beat this! XO- Tara and Kirk

  5. Gail and Michael Rosiak Says:

    If anyone can beat this it’s you! You continue to amaze us because you are a pillar of strength. Know that you are in our prayers and we love you!
    Gail and Michael

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