Enemy of a cancer patient: the NIGHTTIME!

While my days appear that I look good for a person with cancer and am focused on the moment, my nights are filled with fear. Without a plan, I am forced to think of the pattern of the progression of the disease. I don’t want to feel like I did in August. I don’t want to lose ground or days that I have gained while this chemo WAS working. While I work through the calendar in my head, I realize that the meeting with the clinical trial doctor will be a process like it always is: do I qualify, more tests as are required by a trial, timing of the trial….blah blah blah which means it could be a month more time passing. This means a month more time for my cancer to grow without a drug to kill it. In the nighttime, I have mini panic attacks and wake up Jim who is in a deep sleep. He tries to comfort me, but we both know that there are no answers. I go to the guest room to watch tv only to hope that I can fall asleep to the glow of the tv and the monotony of the tv chatter. My thoughts begin to race to chemo buddies who were once like me and now on feeding tubes or unable to breathe. I wipe these thoughts out with thoughts of Maui or Alex or anything else. Nighttime is a nightmare where those thoughts which I pushed away in the day force their ugly face and scream at me in the darkness. Yes, I know there are pills to take, but those cloud my thoughts in the day and I want to be present in the day. I send emails to my doctor and realize the time stamp may be a “flag”, but I don’t care. I must push myself to the front of the line. Yes, there are those who are worse than me, but I hear a nurse echoing my thoughts. I am ahead of the disease and once I lose ground, then the cancer tries to win. I just cannot let that happen. It is all one game and you must keep playing it. I know I have been to this fork before, but now I know how bad I can feel and how quickly the cancer can spread. I hate the night. It plays with my mind. The night makes me feel alone as it pushes all those bad thoughts and clouds my optimism. Eventually, the fatigue sets in and the glow of the tv disappears along with the negative thoughts. The tears that fall without me realizing, stop as I give into the sleep. I will begin tomorrow with a few more emails and hugs for my boys. I will try not to think about the enemy of night and as usual focus on the moment of now.



4 Responses to “Enemy of a cancer patient: the NIGHTTIME!”

  1. Kelly Says:

    I will leave my phone by my bed and you call me any night in the middle of the night! I will be here for you. You don’t need to be by yourself with your thoughts. You can even fall asleep on the phone.

  2. terry fierle Says:

    Again, u r my hero. Do u want any company some afternoon. I am available thurs or fri?

  3. Valerie Says:


  4. Kelli Clifford Says:

    Hugs to you…I am thinking about you everyday. I understand that waking at night, it seems our minds just wake us to worry…..it’s just not fair, if we could just sleep through the night.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: