No plan A or B…so am I a ticking time bomb or not?

As usual I always seem to forget how the fog and nausea are with chemo. I get “crazy” as Alex calls it. I think it is so frustrating that my mind says one thing while my body is doing another. Monday was rough and I had my own pity party. As brief as it was, it seems to hurt those around me especially Alex. We both had one of those conversations that ended in no solution. He is worried and I am worried, but we both agreed that it does not help to worry. We also both agreed to enjoy our time that night reading a book together and listening to his piano playing.  We did not say much more about our worries since as Alex says, “the worries come to him in his sleep and cause a bad dream.” We chose to ignore it and talk about the classroom seating. These seating arrangements always focus on the body odor of a girl or boy or the non teeth brushing girls or boys. I also had to laugh that PE was cancelled due to our “freezing” 55 degree weather. Of course, I think about my high school days in Rochester walking to school IN THE SNOW! These middle school stories make for some good entertainment.

I made a plan of being outside in the clear “cool” air as much as possible this week since next week will be filled with scans and tests (too much indoor time). As I was enjoying being outside so much, I kept thinking and even said that I cannot be that “sick” since I am doing what I am doing. Some of the chemo closet people cannot even walk to the bathroom. Of course, the cruel reality hit me as I looked at my scan reports from June to August of last year and saw how much my cancer was trying to win. Such a short time had passed and the cancer was growing so fast. I am angry at this crappy cancer. My doc doesn’t have an answer or a plan A or B. This does frighten me as I hear MD Anderson echoing these exact words about my lack of options. One of my new plans to take another blood test which measures cancer is turning out to be a math problem which my chemo brain required Alex to solve. So, if the number came back at 25% increase over last time, then we would be “in crisis”. Mine came back at 19% just to be really confusing. My doc determined that this was not a real crisis as we all know there is some woman fighting harder than I can imagine who needs his immediate help. I have been that woman over the years. Today since 6% higher was not the outcome, I can wait until next week or even the week after. Part of the reason is that my doc will be out of town at a fun cancer meeting. Another is that there are really no answers. Instead my strategy is simple, just be that annoying cancer patient who is in a “panic”. We all know panic is individual and I have really not had many panic attacks. Unfortunately, my “looking like you don’t have cancer” does not get answers and my cancer is continuing to grow. So, instead I will do what I always do and enjoy every moment (outside as much as possible). This means that the dishes will pile up and the clothes will pile up too. It isn’t important. As I read into my symptoms on a daily basis, I am confused if the issues are chemo related or cancer related. The papers pile up on my desk and I make my decision to watch Alex at tennis practice. I hope you find your fun today.

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2 Responses to “No plan A or B…so am I a ticking time bomb or not?”

  1. terry fierle Says:

    Enjoy your child and husband. Find comfort knowing how many of us respect and love u.

  2. Susan Says:

    Your sister, brother, nieces and nephews are thinking about you everyday and are looking forward to the next time we are together.

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