“My gift list by Alex Triestman: 1. Cure for cancer, Price: would give everything”

Chemo was a blur or it could have been the fact that I slept for 15 hours one day. I am back to losing days and am surprised when Monday was here already. This morning (as usual) I spent my early morning coordinating my blood test for the pre-surgery of “the Port” just because one code was missing. Back to reality, I have to check and double check each order and paperwork. I was still on my vacation from chemo when I asked Alex if he wanted anything specific for Hanukkah. He came back with his list and his eyes turned down without a smile. Usually, he has one “thing” that is a must have for the season. He handed me his paper with his list and one item saying, cure for cancer. I couldn’t help but to cry. Cancer makes me angry especially since this is as Alex says, “weighing on his shoulders every day”. He explains that even if he is busy that he still is worried and thinks about me. I try to re-focus his mind to all the fun we had in Maui, but he says that it is at night that his thoughts spin and spin. I get it. I get angry. I still have my angry moments and my moments of laughter. I really think it is the holiday time that makes me think about what I was doing last year or the year before or even the year before. I am so thankful to have a great circle of friends and family around us to keep things as “normal” as possible. One day at a time!

I think my fear about tomorrow has caught up to me too. I am now caught between the reality of continual treatment since I will have a port because why would my doctor agree to a port just to put one in for fun. Honestly, the chemo was such a blur because of all of the addition of pre-meds that I cannot even tell you what happened. For the first time, I passed out. This did concern my audience of nurses, doctors, and Jim. They kept asking me if I was okay. Then, the days followed with the usual drugged feeling that I don’t like with bone pain mixed in.  I still don’t feel like it is December. I am stuck in October. The months since our trip to Europe just blurred fast forward. I make my list and check it twice, but can only think about today and tomorrow.  I wish my mind was clearer, but I think the fog will help for tomorrow.  Strangely enough, it is raining, but the sun is trying to come through the clouds. I am not sure which is better, so I think I will rest and close my eyes. Dreaming of Maui….


4 Responses to ““My gift list by Alex Triestman: 1. Cure for cancer, Price: would give everything””

  1. Leah E. Says:

    Hugs to you and Alex…thinking of you all!

  2. terry fierle Says:

    Thinking and praying for u. Love u joanie

  3. Valerie Says:

    So unfair for all of you. Cancer really sucks! It is incredible how strong you are and what an inspiration you are to everyone! You are also an amazing mom!

  4. Pendar Says:

    Praying for you Joanie! Hugs to you, Love, Pendar

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