Another day, another drug

On Friday, I was greeted as a rock star and every nurse and doctor commented that I looked so much better. Even though I was assigned one nurse, it was the team who took care of me. Each pre med was administered only after my doctor came to check on my status. With each administration, every nurse hovered over me waiting for something to happen. Each nurse asked the other ” did you check or did you do…” I was beginning to get a bit worried that they were thinking the same thing was going to happen. Jim was given the hand out for side effects. I couldn’t bare reading one more drug side effects even though the nurses highlighted the main ones…no drinking cold beverages, keeping vein warm while infusion or pain would occur, neuropathy and the list goes on. The order was put in for 6 cycles and I couldn’t even bear the thought. This would be one more year. Where is my break or should I just be happy to say I am glad to be here while this toxin kills my cancer. The doc gives me a stack of paper to bring to md Anderson and I skim the report noting that he states that I am a pleasant woman. I told him that I am glad he didn’t mention my 2 somewhat emotional breakdowns. He laughed. Of course, the nurses mention a port, but it is too late to get that on Friday.

Of course, no one bothered to mention that I should have brought my shot to increase my white cells and now left with the only option of getting it at urgent care on Saturday which was a giant ordeal. So what was easy,  turns into a mess. If I didn’t get the shot, I could not fly to Houston. I entered the chemo zone and felt more drugged than ever, but nurses said that it is due to my drug sensitivity having pre mess on weds and again on Friday. My weekend was a fog and by Monday I realized my new place of rest is the bathroom. I could barely stand and the pain started.

Today, the fog has cleared a bit, but I am spinning around as usual. I freaked out Alex to add to his morning. I had my break down last night, so I think we are all covered on my craziness. This all gets so frustrating and tiring. One day at a time is what I keep saying to myself and the other mantra is what is the worst that can happen if I forget to do this or that….Unfortunately, when it comes to cancer and you forget a pill, you pay the price.  Thoughts come and go. I start in one direction and end up somewhere else asking myself why I am where I am…then, the real mystery: where did all my hair go that fell out. I am not seeing a trail behind me, but I am forced to do this comb over effect reminiscent of an old friend. The hair isn’t on my pillow or in the sink. It is just gone. Luckily for my ole’ curly hair (never thought I would say that) I can “fluff” to create the illusion of more hair. (at least I am convinced of the illusion) Alex hasn’t warned me not to exit the house, so it must not look that bad. Very mysterious. This goes along with the purple green bruise the length of my upper arm where my teeny tiny shot on Saturday went in. I must have been punched at the urgent care? Either way, I cannot think of tomorrow, but only today. I am thrilled that I took a shower. It is a big accomplishment from being unable to stand yesterday. No one asked that it was 2pm, right?



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