October 31, 2012 “You can sing only what you are. You can paint only what you are. You must be what your experiences, your environment, and your heredity have made you. […] For better or for worse, you must play your own little instrument in the orchestra of life.” — Dale Carnegie

Halloween at chemo was a nightmare come true. All was going well until my second drug when i thought the same thing was happening, but wanted so much for it to work that i kept saying to me that it wasn’t happening. I think i waited too long, so i had heart palpitations, gasping for air, feeling the urge to vomit at the same time feeling like I was going to poop in my pants. Since i have vomit phobia and definitely didn’t want to poop in my pants, my only focus instead of getting air was getting me to the toilet. I was surrounded by all the nurses in the chemo closet plus my doctor. All the while Jim watching this happen. I couldn’t look at him because his eyes and face said it all that it was serious and worse than last time. It was an out of body experience that i fear today again even though it is a new drug.

 

After pushing more and more drugs to stop the reaction, i got to the toilet where the whole gang came with me, so again with cancer there is no privacy. What i didn’t know until after the reaction was over that my doctor pulled my pants down. When the drugs kicked in and jim alerted the group, i looked down at my legs and saw this horrible rash of dots and asked jim if it was on my face and he said yes. He told the group. I finally got out of the bathroom, went to my chair, and passed out. WHat seemed like 10 minutes was 3 hours. My only question was what was next. I told them iI felt fine, but my nurses knew better and told me that the drug could not be used again. We would need another drug. I told my doctor let’s finish this up with the new drug and he looked at me half smiling with his eyes full of sadness and told me next week. Of course, next week is too late for our travel plans to Houston. II asked if Friday was okay and he agreed. So, as i prepare myself today mentally, i have never been more afraid and i know this is not helping my family. I try to think positive and always with hope, but my body already had one chemo drug in it plus all the other crap they gave me. I wonder how i will do this. I see Alex’s face and Jim’s face in my mind and i know i can do this. My body is getting broken in places that need rest. My bone marrow is trying hard to work for me, but is crying out for a rest. My stomach is a mess, but i am used to this by now. This new drug will give me a new side effect which is the inability to drink or eat anything cold or it will feel like razor blades. Even if i inhale the cool California air, it will have the same effect. Just add this to my knowledge of side effects. Of course, there are a slew of others, but those seem to be the same. I desperately need a break from this cancer job. My head is not in the game. I look forward to sunshine days ahead.

 

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2 Responses to “October 31, 2012 “You can sing only what you are. You can paint only what you are. You must be what your experiences, your environment, and your heredity have made you. […] For better or for worse, you must play your own little instrument in the orchestra of life.” — Dale Carnegie”

  1. margie Says:

    Joanie,
    I’m thinking of you, and love you very much!!
    Margie

  2. Pendar Says:

    Joanie, I will be praying extra hard for you this week. Love and hugs to you always! – Pendar

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