The Unknown…to have chemo or not that is the question

There is so much unknown with cancer which is why I choose to only focus on today’s cancer job or tomorrow. If tomorrow brings with it too much unknown, I choose to ignore the reality of it and focus on anything but tomorrow. This makes it difficult for everyone around me (including Alex who has a birthday next week). I am just not there yet. I was never one for last minute is the best minute, but life has become the “what are we doing now, this minute”.  On Monday, my platelets were low enough for a transfusion and for reasons too many to mention, my doctor felt that it was better to wait and see if my body would kick in and do some magic. I have never been a believer of magic, but I am starting to whisper little magic spells to my body hoping it hears me. To mentally prepare for chemo is one thing, but to do the drug prep not once, but twice does annoy me. I can think through all the scenarios about postponement or not of the chemo and will this work or if I wait will I be in pain again or if I have to come back will I get the best nurse or best seat or willl I have to rearrange all the Alex pick up and taking plans again….but as I type the thoughts are in and out of my mind. Since my memory and focus is not what it used to be, this works for me.

So, off I go to UCLA and now my focus is what fun shoes to wear, plus attempting to remember all those drugs to bring. I will wait and see.



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