“When you’re trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you’re even thinking about making a change. And as you move forward allow yourself to be good enough.” Alice Domar

This week was difficult for all of us in many different ways. As Alex began middle school, he faced so many new and exciting challenges along with trying to balance what was happening at home. His first day went so well that I could hardly imagine what happened yesterday. My new side effects are hard to hide despite my thinking I am hiding what I am truly  feeling and thinking. The emotion is seeping through the foundation of our home.

The chemo is eating my blood cells, but I managed to have enough of an immune system to exit my house. The unfortunate issue is not having enough platelets, so I made my promises to Hoag Irvine and my team of docs that I would return on Monday to see if my body kicked into gear or if I will need a blood transfusion. The other side effects are now clearer than ever as my focus is still cloudy, I seem to be allergic to one of these chemo drugs (one of them I was allergic to in 2010, but unless I was convulsing on the ground, docs felt that all is fine), and I am back to my hair “situation”. I think the fog is what is so annoying to me the most. I do have moments of clarity, but I am really only able to do one thing at a time. Alex’s fast forward thinking is too much for me to process and I know this is frustrating for him as much as it is for me. So, while I thought picking up a few items from a store would be easy, it became so mentally exhausting that I felt as if I was doing calculus all morning and juggling  10 balls at the same time.  My other issue being allergic to the chemo  is that I am unable to taste my food and to smell my food. Who said we eat with our eyes…well, now I am finding this more important. Also, now that I have a 90 year old digestive system which is fighting with my cancer in the same space, I can only eat bird meals. I learned my lesson on that one. One night it seemed like I had swallowed a bowling ball.  Lastly, my hair situation… back to the prepubescent days and now my head on my hair is thinning like a 90 year old man. It is not raining hair and my eyebrows remain for the time being. They tell me after the next cycle, hair will be raining again. It is so hot here now that I am hoping to have my patchy short hair until the rain begins.

All this happening while not being at my strongest and sleep is difficult to come by as well. Alex had an incredibly successful day 1, but day 2 came with a phone call from him with only a couple of hours left of school. He followed the procedure that we had established with the school and went to the office to call me. When I heard the worry in his voice, I tried so hard to be cheerful and positive that he had asked what was wrong with my voice. All he could tell me was that he was worried and overwhelmed. He seemed better once we talked for a few minutes, but I hung up feeling angry and frustrated. I wanted him only to have a normalish middle school start.

Today is a new day and hoping it will be better. Off to talk to my nurse about my series of side effects…have a wonderful weekend. Thinking this weekend will be better than last and I will get out and about.

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