“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all.” Emily Dickinson

Yes, it has been a long time since my post, but have you seen the cruise blog? The cruise was amazing, but now I am in reality with all my ailments and no little man steward to deliver me a fresh bucket of ice every hour. Okay, I don’t even need the ice now, but something to numb my entire mouth, throat, insides would be great. Since my visit to the ER before our trip, I have had this constant pain under my right rib cage with no real explanation except for the world of chemo messing with my insides. Now, I can officially say that I have entered the “funk” phase of cancer.  I thought it was the after vacation “funk”, but it kept lingering on especially after my chemo. I am now taking the renal cancer chemo pill daily and remind myself that this is chemo despite the lack of nurse and IV AND pre-meds. I am stuck with hiding this pill in yogurt and swallowing it fast since it will cause blisters in my mouth immediately.  Of course, I am still thinking that once the yogurt is gone, then is this pill burning my insides as it goes down? I think the funk is now corresponding to my overall feeling that is  my lacking of  energy and my horrific digestive problems caused by either of these chemo drugs. My new tumor marker is at record level high, so my thoughts turn to the pelvic area wondering if I have “born” a tumor while on vacation. I didn’t even bother to put this new tumor marker number from this week in my chart (even though I know I will) because I really don’t want to see the upward skyrocketing trend. I don’t like how I feel and it is frustrating. With weeks to go until the next chemo which will be who knows what, I have nothing I really can do. So, I know I must refocus myself as I normally due, but it is difficult with the constant dull pain in my side. There are many drugs to try, but none have shown proof of helping my cancers. Can it be such a roll of the dice?

I am forced to take things day by day for my “boys” , family, and friends. I sent the emails and have an appointment at UCLA for Monday, but this is it for now. Nothing else can be done, but my dull pain is like a constant buzz in my ear reminding me that something is not quite right. Oh how I miss my microscopic cancer days. Enjoy your weekend. I know I will enjoy mine as I choose to ignore all my ailments like usual and get out and about to feel the sunshine.



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