“Believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else.” Kobi Yamada

It has been a while since my last post. My roller coaster ride is still going and I was feeling like I was on a merry go round spinning out of control. This is the life of a cancer patient. I had thought I would have more freedom with weeks off from chemo, but these weeks have been strange. I have had my tumor marker rise a bit, fall a bit, to rise, and now falling teeny bit. I will stay focused for a trend, but this does not make things easy for myself or for my family. Also, the side effects have increased to the mouth sores and foot issues with blisters/sores. If there is one thing frustrating for me is weeks without chemo and being unable to move and go. Plus, there are medications for all of this. I always ask myself what the “other” people do as I was on the phone for days if not weeks attempting to get the meds I need. In the meantime, I followed the old time remedies with lotion and soaking my feet. My feet were so covered with lotion that I almost slid into the toilet from all this slime! Of course, none of it worked. Yesterday, I finally did get the lotion for the feet and hands, but still waiting for the meds for the mouth sores. I will do anything to keep eating and keep my strength up even though it is painful.

On the other “hand”, I am still smiling to myself thinking about what is often in the news about what to eat or not to eat, what to drink or not to drink for all these cancer remedies. People, I can barely eat as it is, so I am really going to do my best and I am sure most cancer patients are right there with me. If there was a magic food or drink, don’t you think cancer patients would have eaten it and been cured rather than put the toxic crap into their body. All I can say is that this better be working because I don’t think I can drive with slippers and ice packs on my feet and certainly cannot walk in the grocery with my puffy socks and lotion lathered on my feet! I would be sure to slide into the freezer section or a wipe out in the produce section.

I do have to say that I had a birthday to remember. I was so very thankful to be here to celebrate that every moment was a celebration. Jim and Alex were finding the week long celebration entertaining. I had lunches and dinners with old and new friends. We did a lot of laughing!! I had letters, notes, and such special meaningful thoughtful gifts that brought me to happy tears. Some people asked me if this was one of the big number birthdays and I just responded that every birthday for me is a big birthday. I cannot explain it.  If you were my invisible shadow every day seeing what I go through every second, I know it would surprise you how much it takes to be a cancer patient who wants to believe that she doesn’t have cancer. Cancer job does consume me and I try to avoid it, but it is critical for my survival that I do follow all the steps and routines of attempts to eat, sleep, drink, pills, lotions and potions. I appreciate everyone who tries to understand even though you cannot even imagine. I appreciate every effort that is made on my behalf to make my day great and bring me sunshine even if there are clouds outside or inside my head. This is why my birthday was so special and I cannot express how much I appreciate all your thoughtfulness. I was surprised at school with an award of $555 to purchase books for our school library. That was a well kept secret although Jim thought Alex knew since he had mentioned the same thing the day before it happened. I think he may have some good ears!

The next surprise came for me today with Alex writing the author of our local online paper for our town to nominate me for being his mom. Of course, he did tell a little lie when I asked him what he was doing and told me he was working on his online test for practice. He was also almost late to school this morning since he wants me to “win” the vote  and wanted to send emails out to everyone to make a comment since he thinks it would be “cool” if I could win and go to a spa or trip for a day. I told him I don’t need a spa trip (little does he know I can barely get enough free time to go to the grocery and visit a store besides the pharmacy), but just some fun time with him. Of course, he responded with “Disneyland”.

You can check Alex’s nomination…the entire essay he wrote brought me to tears. He is such a special wonderful boy! I want nothing more than for him to have some focus on anything, but cancer!




2 Responses to ““Believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else.” Kobi Yamada”

  1. Pendar Says:

    Alex’s article is so sweet and touching…I love, love, love that picture too! I pray you win, because you truly are a wonderful Mom.

  2. Kelli Clffford Says:

    Joanie, Congrats on the library book money! You Rock!!
    That quote by Kobi Yamada came at a perfect time; with these library cuts to our Middle Schools, I will be losing my job and I was reminded to look for that light!!
    You are always an inspiration to me! Thank you for YOU!

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