“why people break up, turn around and make up…Let’s stay together…” Al Green

I was prepared for the break up. I listed the reasons why the weekly trips to UCLA were proving to be too much. I listed the reasons for the break up even going to UCI. I had my argument with valid numerical points to show how much i disagreed with what he told me on Friday. Yesterday, with some nervousness, I picked up the phone to talk to my doctor. I had figured that he wouldn’t be sitting at his desk, but I was wrong.  I stated my case and prepared for the worst, “breaking up was hard to do”.  Instead, he simply responded that I was right and he agreed with my plan. I wasn’t prepared for him to readily agree. I had to focus on the facts that my tumor marker has stopped responding. It could be a fluke or it just could be.  I told him I only pretend and act like someone who is fine by dressing the part. I portray an image of who I used to be because I love who I was and I love who I am, but no one wants to see the true face of cancer. I see those faces at UCLA weekly and do not like what I see.  This past weekend when my pain was too much to bear and the lack of appetite could not be ignored, I showed my cancer face to my family. I know it frightened Alex as much as it frightened me. I had to fix this. So, I will go to UCLA this week for my chemo and get the pill form to take the following week. I understand that the side effects could be worse or hey, they could be better. All I know is the side effects would be at my home. I agreed to work out the blood testing issue since my numbers are low and low. I also will look at more local oncologists at UCI. I think the new plan will require a bit more discussion, but this is best for me to be as close to my old self as possible. Meanwhile, Jim has contacted doctors all over the world as he says, he wishes me to be well and will not stop researching. He is so clever finding email addresses from pharmaceutical financials and getting direct contact info for doctors who are studying gynecological cancers. He is a fake doctor like me.

I am understanding more of what doctors feel when giving bad news or news that seems to not have a positive outlook. My doctors have a heart that is what I love about them. When they struggle to find a positive spin and words come out that don’t make much sense, it shows they don’t always have the answers. What some of my doctors haven’t learned about me is that I am a problem solver. I always have been (genetic inherited) and I will find another plan. I maybe upset, but I move on. I do not ever stay on the pity pot long. I still laugh at the EVs who send me non motivating, all about them messages. Not that I don’t care, but I don’t have time for their crisis. I am in my own “crisis”daily, so would rather spend my minutes looking at my beautiful roses or watch the sunrise.  I love the cards  and emails filled with such love that I get daily hugs from friends who are close and friends who are far away. I love all the gestures both big and small showing who you really are…as special as I always thought you were!

There will not be a break up for now…but I am always ready to make a change if it makes things better for me, for my family, for my quality of life.

Let’s… Let’s stay together,

loving you whether, whether,
times are good or bad,
happy or sad,
whether time are good or bad,
happy or sad.


3 Responses to ““why people break up, turn around and make up…Let’s stay together…” Al Green”

  1. Pendar Says:

    I think you are making a fantastic decison to stay home and to the pills. Only YOU know what is right for YOU and YOUR family’s needs. I pray for God to give you continued strength and I send you hugs XOXO

  2. Ellen Says:

    Not doing the 2-hour commute each way can only help your quality of life! Like the saying goes, change is the only constant in our lives. And it looks like this is a positive change – yeah! Prayers, smiles and hugs to you!

  3. Jen Says:

    Joanie…you go girl. If anyone cam find a way it is you. I pray that God hears our prayers and gives you and your family the strength and patience to get through this. Kisses to you, Alex and Jim.

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