To his patients: “No one is more interested in saving your life than you.” Dr Nagourney

Unfortunately, this has been a weekend of cloudy with a stormy weather for me. I just followed the advice of a Dr Oz show I had watched earlier today and made a list of things I am grateful for. This list included some surprising basic things like finding a food that tastes somewhat good. There was some mystery solved with my last infusion. It came at a hefty price with both calls to nurses and doctors. It also scared Alex to see me in so much pain. The news that my tumor marker did not move an inch or it moved a quarter of an inch was both numbing and surprising. I decided to ignore the facts until last night which made for some slap in the face reality and composing of emails. I had to analyze the data, look at trends, figure percentages, to get some real facts to make a plan. I only sent one email with the rest in a holding pattern. I know what I have to do and what I want to do, but the logistics will need to be voted and discussed. In one email, I said this is my job and my cancer. I am not afraid to fight, but I will not make blind decisions. This is not a go with the flow type of situation. The weekly UCLA chemo factory clinic is proving to be a magnet of draining much of my energy and forcing me to feel the pain of  too many young people facing their cancer challenge.  There are many options to consider and some options that I will demand. I would like to try the pill form of this chemo and would like to have my chemo more locally. I would still see the same type of faces, but to drive 2 hours in pain in traffic every week is something that I cannot do to myself or to my son or family. I tried to be the old me and the overwhelming sights of sickness took my spirit and held onto it. I said words that I didn’t mean while in my physical pain and my fog. I need another method to my madness, another plan. I cannot find the right words as the fog is still with me. Today is better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow. I will soak up the sun as Sheryl Crow would sing!


One Response to “To his patients: “No one is more interested in saving your life than you.” Dr Nagourney”

  1. rhonda Says:

    I am with you in spirit. This is where the rubber hits the road and it takes your whole heart to press on. I Support you.

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