What is that smell? Is that a skunk?

Happy day today as my fog just magically disappeared at 3am! Sorry for Jim as I was feeling so great that I felt that I should get up and go, go, go. I didn’t go anywhere, but it is a strange feeling like childbirth that you quickly forget what actually happened during those 28 hours of pushing!  It is as if I am in a tunnel and every so often, I can hear what someone is saying. Unfortunately, Alex or Jim had repeated themselves about 4 times until the thought was registered and the question was answered.  I forgot about the phases of the chemo: high as a kite, nausea, foggy, and extreme fatigue. The extreme fatigue is also a funny one! When combined fatigue with the fog, you are certain to make a few frustrated and convince yourself that you had answered that question even though you did not say the answer aloud. The chemo itself is so toxic that you feel like you either have a bad hangover or took too many pills of some kind. Your taste is off and all your senses messed up.

The unforgotten toxicity seeped out my pores and out every orifice. At one point, I was convinced that my bedroom window was open and a skunk just walked by my room. Nope, that wasn’t a skunk! It was my lovely chemo perfume. I also was wondering about the chemo pill and chemo IV side effects. One can cause hair growth and the other causes hair loss. I expect to have no hair on my head with a lovely mustache and beard, plus possible tufts of hair out my ears just for fun.

I cannot even think about doing this all again, but I know I will. I am better doing hour by hour now. I am still at the verge of laughter, frustration, and fear-all at the same time.  I ignore statistics and other numbers as I remind myself that I am not a number. I also will not read anything on the internet unless it involves a funny Youtube video. I do all this to cope with the situation. I also make every attempt with my brief exposure at school for pick up and drop off to avoid any emotional vampires. They still lurk around the corners, so I don’t make much eye contact. So, if you are calling my name, I may not have heard you since I am “running” from the vampires. While at pick up or drop off, my focus is Alex and that is where it needs to be.  I don’t have words to answer many questions since I don’t have answers. There is no magic answer or magic pill. I know I am surrounded by a lot of love and feel all the love and support! Something magical is bound to happen soon!

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One Response to “What is that smell? Is that a skunk?”

  1. Melissa Fromme Says:

    Go, Joanie! Go, Joanie!

    I am following your blog and of course thinking of you and praying for you.

    You are so inspiring! You are getting through this and I am so proud of you!

    XO
    Melissa Fromme

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