Confessions of a chemo addict…

It may sound strange, but I think I am a chemo addict. When you don’t have toxic poison running through your veins, you feel that something is not quite right. You forget what “normal” felt like. Honestly, it makes my new mantra of focusing on the “now” even more difficult. Instead, every pain or ache becomes more of answering a question with a question. I think back to my procedure last week and they told me that the effects would be minimal, but I am still so tired and feeling “drained”. I guess I was “drained”. I think I need my cells back! Strange how the universe works, I always think I am sending some telepathic messages out and I will get an email or a call to reassure me. Yesterday, one of my UCLA doctors phoned about his schedule. Did he get my questions telepathically or did he just miss hearing my voice (right!?)? Normally, the office calls on this type of thing or I would get an email. Either way, he did have me refocus my thoughts to the vaccine that is getting manufactured for me. He referred to it as “weeks away”.  I think the “not right feeling” also has to do with the 2nd opinion benefit through Jim’s work. I had to gather all my scans, reports, and infusion info AGAIN. Glad I am doing all the work even though I had to tell them to ask for a supervisor to get the real slides. Why do I feel a need to read my surgery report or pathology report again? I know I have better reading materials! It is as if I am looking for some clue or some sign that someone had missed.  As much as I don’t miss the toxicity of the chemo, I don’t like doing nothing. I do remind myself that I am doing something. When I re-read my infusion chart, I also remind myself how much I don’t want to do chemo again. With all my reminding, I do tell myself, my family, my friends that I will do whatever I have to do-no matter what it is!

Back to the “now”, Alex came home from school with low grade fever for something fun, but somehow feels fine to be on his computer. We will all be in bed early and be sleeping in tomorrow! (okay, maybe until 7am?!)


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