New Beginnings

I thought we had kicked off the year right, but then came the ” snow day” or blackout. Just when I think we would have a full day of school, we have to start the school year groove again. Alex wrote a story of his first day of 5 TH grade and compared it to a roller coaster ride. I could completely relate to his roller coaster metaphor because I am still on the ride. I have had this inexplicable feeling that is an urge of  wanting to do more or doing something other than sleeping 12 hours and taking a nap. All this unknown and all these constant doctor messages of my chronic condition with no answers makes for a foggy brain condition. This condition is the post chemo “withdrawal”. The constant seeking for answers and daily reminders of my aches and pains as a result of cumulative chemo is something that is difficult to explain. Who wants to talk about their aches and pains all the time? BORING? Now,who wants to sound like a 89 years old! I took some of the screening tests from Scripps and my blood came back too low. Who knew I was walking around like a time bomb? Glad I stopped playing with knives and stopped sky diving. One sneeze in my face and bam! So, I will repeat the blood test this week.

I started my week with a scan and news flash for all you scan fans, they changed the beverage . Instead of the sludge, it is now like flavored vitamin water….okay not that tasty but almost. I was feelin’ the love all day. It was as if everyone I met drank a happiness drink.  From the Post Office to Walgreens, I was feelin’ it! At my EKG, I was escorted to “my room” just like checking into a hotel. I highly recommend Hoag Irvine (seriously, it is a hotel). I was given a tour of the common areas by my EKG technician and walked out the door with a smile and a HUG?! So, I will wait for these results and tomorrow continue with my tests. I still will go to UCLA on Thursday to discuss the what-if plans based on Scripps or not. All I know is that I am almost feeling human even though my hair is still falling out. Chemo stays in your system, how long??? I will see what it all brings and I am really fine with anything as long as it isn’t chemo.

I am not really wanting to focus on my chronic cancer, but instead again focusing on what I can do today whether it is picking up Alex at school and being among people, listening to Alex play piano at his lesson, or just making dinner. It is all the little things and they do count. Again, I will remind myself as I see a parent screech their tires into the school parking lot, what is important? It is difficult to re-wire your brain to not do things with every detail in mind and change your every day expectation of yourself. I laugh more often at myself especially when I make a dinner that I would not even want to eat and my family says, “this is pretty good” and eats it anyway! I used to be that person who folded a paper in thirds just perfectly and now, I just fold it to fit somehow….I know with the beginning of school, we are all out of our groove. Try to accept your groove for the day! I am trying and learning that if it doesn’t get done today…oh well! Hard to do, coming from a person who used to check off everything with very little re-writing on a “to do” list for the next day…now, I try to just focus on what is really important to get done that morning, that afternoon, and that is it!

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One Response to “New Beginnings”

  1. rhondanna Says:

    I am going backwards time-wise in reading your story. I can relate to the anxious hovering you have to do to make sure what you need done gets done, especially in a new facility or clinic. I also see your son is in fifth grade. So is my son, Andy. I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer in January 2006 and have been in chemo almost continuously since then. The cancer is continuing to advance, but we are stretching things out as long as we can and I can still fit a lot of living in. Best wishes and thanks for writing your blog.

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