“It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.” Bill Watterson

When I think about next year school term, I remember that my chemo will only be until October.  I am determined to NOT continue the chemo as there are so many trials, drugs, and treatments that I can try next instead of the same ole’ formula. The reality is that this is a life changing disease. The doctors explain to me that I will be in treatment or in preventative treatment for years and years. I would like the verdict of a complete recovery. I want answers and I want a plan except no doctor seems to have THE PLAN. So, it is during this week that Jim, my husband the rock star, starts his endless research again. Will it be door number 1, number 2, number 3? With my visit to UCLA on Monday, the doctor seems to agree that planning is a great idea, so back to the tumor board my “case” goes.  In the meantime, Jim has made some of his own discoveries which all sound like great ideas to the doctors. Time to get the ball rolling before these months fly by and there is no plan. It seems that with a trifecta there will be at least 5 years treatment followed by what else…another scan, my next blood test…I realize that it all sounds so daunting! Somehow I am able to sleep easily (it could be the lack of oxygen in my blood, but I don’t care). I am able to face each day with a smile because the cancer job and the reality is in the back of my mind. I cannot let all the details consume me. I do think about the next steps, but not the whole situation. It doesn’t help me or my mental state. This disease has affected everyone who knows me, but I am insistent on not letting the cancer define me. I am much more than cancer. I definitely choose to live my life a bit differently now.  It doesn’t help me if I worry about every aspect including all the what if’s. Alex asked me today, “what if you don’t get rid of the cancer?” I told him that is not an option for me because I have him and so many people who love and care about me-they all give me the strength I need to fight. Seriously, it is NOT an option.

With the months of this new drug, my reality is that 3 weeks of the month, I am either in bed, getting treatment,  getting blood, or getting tested for my blood. So, I end up with one week when I can do anything or everything. I miss my friends and I miss what I used to do, but again cancer has changed me and now this is what I am focused on…my week of freedom. Of course, the long term side effects have tried to stop me, but I take advantage of every hour and moment that I can do things.

I keep smiling when I open my front door to see a beautiful friend, read a great email or card, see a funny text or just watch Alex dance!

I am days away from another chemo without a cute outfit planned. It is in the back of my mind, but until then lunch in Laguna and picking my Mom from the airport. Today, I sat in my sweatshirt at the beach (yes, it was 69 degrees!) this morning until around noon. Got to get in all my fun before I have to sit in the chemo matrix.


One Response to ““It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.” Bill Watterson”

  1. Audrey Says:

    Joanie: Thinking about you today. Miss you and Jim. I always keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Love you Joanie

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