“We’re half way there-livin on a prayer.” Bon Jovi

Yesterday wasn’t pretty. I may have looked cute, but I was not mentally prepared for the day, the smells, the whole thing. Besides being nauseous just thinking about the place, I thought that I wasn’t feeling that bad. The mind is a powerful thing as they say. Mine convinced me that I was feeling good. My blood counts came back horrible. Who knew? Maybe, this outdoor air confused my reality. The reality is that my body cannot handle this much chemo, so despite my best fake doctor analysis we had to reduce the amount of chemo. With my tumor marker going down (down is definitely the right direction),  the plan is to continue with this chemo. It was a back and forth dialogue and the facts convinced me that this was the best decision. I had to get a shot for my red blood cells and got my shot today for the white, but no shot approved yet for platelets. I got my order for a bag of nice Newport platelets (I don’t think you can request the place, but I am going to try.). Then, more reality, the statistics, the facts, it was too much to hear and just tipped me over to that side I like to avoid. I call it the “bad zone”. I was wondering if my face turned grey with the scale tipping me over. I know my face did say it all. My doctors and many nurses came to visit me so many times that I was getting paranoid that I must have looked pretty bad or not my usual smiling self. We discussed the next plan or next steps. I requested my vacation time from cancer. Only a 3 month request. There are many options to consider. When a plan was discussed that I should go to London for some drugs, I did enthusiastically say that I am all for a trip to London. Some shopping, museums, drugs, possibly a trip back to Oxford to show Alex. I am hoping a spring trip? Okay, I won’t get carried away, but thrilled to know that it doesn’t take tears of blood to get some attention.  I am still on the one day at a time or one hour at a time.

This whole tip to the other side made me think of another book idea called, Cancer Etiquette, the 411. While sitting in my pod, I would look up and smile. Many people (not patients) walked by and avoided eye contact. I was wondering if they did not want to catch either the emotions, feelings, or even cancer? Maybe, they just did not know what to say, but all I expected was a smile back. Yesterday, I must have been off my game or despite my smile, the energy I was sending was “watch out, I have cancer and it isn’t pretty.” I think as far as cancer etiquette, “how are you?” is too much for most patients. I don’t mind it, but I can see it puts others over the edge. I think I just expect what I put out, just a bit of kindness. I think I was pushed back to the good zone when I smiled at a fellow elevator passenger and he smiled back with talk of the weather. Weather is safe for anyone. I could go on and on about this cancer etiquette subject, but number one rule is do not tell anyone with cancer that you knew someone with cancer and he/she died. Not so motivating! Also, most hair topics are off limits.  Even though I find having a good hair every day fun and entertaining, most patients do NOT. Forget bald is beautiful. Plus, who ever said hair doesn’t hurt. It hurts when it falls out or is forced out by chemo.

Moving on…today, I was determined to get out of the bad zone. I dropped Alex off at the tennis camp and walked a little bit. It was so cloudy and cool that I could not resist. I said, “hi” to every gardener, maintenance person, walker, and jogger as I did not want them to feel invisible like I did yesterday. When I said ,”good morning “to one gardener, he smiled and said, “thank you”. Again it was a reminder to me about what energy you put out in the world. I am determined to not tip to the other side (at least for a week?!). Enjoy your weekend and make the most of your day! I know that the next days are hard for my body and I listen to my body now. So, I will be resting and re-energizing.



One Response to ““We’re half way there-livin on a prayer.” Bon Jovi”

  1. Yo' sista Says:

    Pinkberry, can you get a machine in the house and just sit under it, while popping dark chocolate bits? Just an idea!

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