“I have these moments all steady and strong, I’m feeling so holy and humble. The next thing I know I’m all worried and weak and I feel myself starting to crumble.” Dan Fogelberg

Crazy crazy weekend…story to tell, but too tired from my drive up to UCLA! We returned to our house from UCLA and pulled into our driveway and  our dear Vulva, I mean Volvo just stopped. I appreciated that she did not stop on the freeway, but seriously?  Another new battery? Time for a new car! I will definitely walk Alex to school because I cannot deal with any more issues. After completely losing it on Jim in the car (poor Jim), I was on edge and just lost it. I am so lucky that he still remains strong and is such a rock star! You should hear him talk to these doctors when I sound like Elmer Fudd. He explains what I mean via telepathic messages and communicates my concerns by me giving him my look.  I did come back to reality right before we got to UCLA. I have to say that this whole thing is a bit annoying! Then, I had to deal with the lab and the “it is impossible”. Do they know that I have been coming here for a year and nothing is impossible. So, after discussing with the lab supervisor, a miracle happened and my tumor marker test would be done today. This brought me to the ultrasound which had to be done twice because the first audience did not get a good enough show and tell. You know how I love an audience. I almost started playing Angry Birds on my phone for the second round. Glad to say that there was nothing jumping off the ultrasound calling for help or demanding more attention. After much discussions and formulas (if this is greater than this, then plan a…), it was determined that we all must wait for the magic tumor marker number. There are 3 drugs to choose from and all have different side effects. They all admitted (which was nice I guess )that they really don’t have an answer. I am so unique and my molecular profile is so unique that there isn’t that magic blue pill or magic answer. I trust my team and am confident based on all this information that we will pick a plan. Of course, just tonight, my doctor called telling me my tumor marker is up. The number was not in the range of the if/then logic plan for these drugs (of course!) because my body is just trying to mess with these doctors. So, they will meet again to see which drug to pick. My only thought is that it was one thing to not know you have cancer growing inside you and another thing to know that these microscopic cells have friends now growing. YECH! By the way, I think when the doctor was talking about my hair falling out, he felt that I was concerned about my eyebrows and commented that they may not fall out. I must have mentioned to him in my drugged stupor one day when I had drawn them on crooked. Honestly, now that I have had no hair, it is just hair. For summer, who could ask for anything more than clean shaved looking legs. I am sure glad I have a busy week of a bunch of stuff to do. So, the plan is still not a plan, but I do have some drugs to choose from and yes, I will go back to the closet on next Thursday. They are supposed to move.  Today,when I entered the foul smelling closet with patients stacked on top of one another and someone asked if they are moving next week, I never heard the response. One day at a time! Definitely walking to school rain OR shine!

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One Response to ““I have these moments all steady and strong, I’m feeling so holy and humble. The next thing I know I’m all worried and weak and I feel myself starting to crumble.” Dan Fogelberg”

  1. margie Says:

    Joanie,

    Keep busy! You’re so strong. Another bump in the road, that you’ll get past
    Sending you, Jim and Alex big hugs…Love, Margie

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